I dislike small talk.
I don’t understand it. It’s completely useless and does nothing but hold us back, keeping us “small”. By it’s own definition it is unimportant. A formality we’ve accepted as something that has to occur at the beginning of every conversation. Often, it’s a forced formality. People asking one another mundane questions they don’t care about the answers to.
In a world that is moving faster and faster some would argue that it’s important to remember to slow down and enjoy things such as small talk. But I’ve never found anything enjoyable about small talk. If I could speed such things up and get passed them, I would have time to slow down and meditate or do yoga. That’s what I find enjoyable.
I would argue that in a world that’s moving faster and faster, we need to prioritize every moment of our life and manage how we focus every piece of our time and energy. Unnecessary amounts of both are spent on formalities such as small talk when we could just skip to meaningful connections and collaborations.
“How’s the weather where you live?” Unless I’m planning an immediate trip to where you are, then what is the point of my knowing this? It doesn’t effect me at all.
Of course some of these formalities are useful when presented in a genuine form of curiosity. To begin and build relationships we must know the basics about one another. I’m okay with “How are you?” because this question can lead to serious insights. That is IF you’re completely honest with the answer which, let’s face it, most of us aren’t.
Why is this? Even if we’re having a hard time and we’ve been stuck in a rut for days because of a specific or a not so clear to us reason we say “Great!, Yourself?” or “I’m alright. You?”
Do we do this to maintain a perception about ourselves? Is it an attempt to camouflage our humanity? As if it’s unacceptable to feel anything but wonderful. As if having an off day changes who we are completely as a person. Is it part of the culturescape? An unspoken rule of acceptance we have learned as the “correct” answer to such a question if we are to be included in the tribe?
I challenge you to start conversations that provoke thought, imagination and inspiration!
We thirst for connection. Intimacy. It is in our nature. And yet we lie about how we feel. Essentially cutting off the other person to our own humanity. Putting a wall up between us. Not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and thus, continuing the disattachment that we so long to abolish.
If we could learn to be completely honest with the question “How are you” we could open up doors to connecting with others that we never saw we were locking.
If we were honest about how we felt, we would open ourselves up to remedying any negative feelings we may have and be able to move passed it. We would open ourselves up to solutions.
Of course not everyone is helpful when you tell them that you’re not doing great. So we hold back this honesty in an attempt to “spare them the awkwardness” or to spare ourselves some hurt. But it’s not our job to spare others awkward situations. It’s our job to do what’s best for us. If they feel awkward then that’s an inner battle that they have to win. If they were honest and told you that they feel awkward and would like some help with it, only then would it be our job to help. That is if we accept the job of helping and are capable of doing so.
As for sparing ourselves some hurt, we have to look at what causes suffering. Buddhism teaches that all suffering stems from attachment and I’ve found this in my own personal experiences since I learned it, to be true.
So knowing this, we have to ask ourselves “What are we attached to that could cause us pain in being honest about how we feel?” Most likely I could imagine it would be our attachment to their opinion of us. Or our attachment of their caring about our feelings.
So then, why do we care about their opinion of us? Does their personal opinion effect our lives or how we feel about ourselves? Does their caring about our feelings effect our lives or how we feel about ourselves?
If other people’s feelings or opinions effect our lives or our self worth then maybe we need to pay more attention to building our lives or self worth into stronger, more durable structures.
I know that’s all easier said than done. It seems too clear cut, too black and white the way I put it, right? I mean sure it’s easy-ish to get passed being effected by strangers or even your co worker’s opinion of you but what about your mom’s? Your dad’s? Your significant other’s? Things are a little more grey scale than that.
I get it. But it doesn’t have to be. All in all, we are all human. We all want the same things. Love, comfort, safety, acceptance, stability, happiness. Everyone craves these things. When people deny you one of these things it is often because they themselves are lacking in it.
You get what you put out into the world. Not always from the source you wish it to come from. If you crave someone’s love and acceptance you should give them love and acceptance. However you should remain unattached from them returning it.
They may, they may not. It completely depends on them and their unique struggles, views and perspectives. Trust though, that you will receive that love and acceptance from somewhere. And the more you give the more you will receive. It’s the law of attraction and it works every time.
If we cut out the useless small talk and utilized the small talk that isn’t quit as useless, we could utilize life’s best resources. Us. People. Each other.
Having deep meaningful conversations would make us more connected as humans. We are all flawed. We are all works in progress. We are all searching for the same things in life and we are all brilliant.
Everyone you meet has something to teach you and everyone you meet has something to learn from you. If we went into every conversation, every encounter with this thought, we could grow ourselves and our world exponentially.
Best Vibes Always,
S.S.Blake
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Author
S.S.Blake; Spiritual Life Coach, Yoga + Meditation Teacher and Founder of Earth and Water
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