8 Simple Steps to Build Your Self Esteem

My Self Esteem Story

Self esteem is a precious subject to me, for I had none for many years. There were and are people that I went to school with, kindergarten through twelfth grade that, to this day, have never heard me speak (Keep in mind this was barely over a hundred people).

I was picked on and bullied for my entire school career because I was quiet and chubby. Silently in the corner I sat, terrified that someone might notice me.

I had a hard time making friends because when someone that I felt was too “cool” to be nice to me actually was being nice to me, my defense mechanism was to be mean to them. In my head, I felt that there was no way that they were sincerely being nice to me.

I had myself convinced that they were only being nice so that they could be mean behind my back later, because I believed that I was undeserving of their kindness. Convinced that I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough or cool enough, the list of flaws went on and on.

Thinking that I was never good enough for anything and afraid of what people may say or do, I never tried out for anything, never joined in on anything. I walked through my entire childhood and teenage years mostly alone, on the sidelines, watching everyone else participate in life because my self esteem stood in my way. And that is NO way to live.

Therefore, my goal here is to help you conquer your self esteem. To rise up above it and soar through life, un-anchored by it.

Make a List

Absolute clarity helps in aiding that which we don’t wish to hold onto any longer and that which no longer benefits us. To help with clarity, I like to make lists of the things that I like about myself and the things that I don’t.

What I’m good at, what I wish that I were better at. When we lay out exactly what we have to work with, it’s just a matter of addressing one thing at a time.

Essentially, crossing negative things off of the list and strengthening positive things.

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First off, energy flows where focus goes. Keep the list of positivities with you at all times. Somewhere that you will notice them often. When you focus on the positive, more positive is attracted. When you focus on the negatives, you will find more of those. Like attracts like.

Next, figure out what you need to change to turn your negatives into positives.

• A diet change?
• More money?
• Motivation?
• Your job?
• Exercise?
• Your mindset?

We have the power to change our entire lives at any given moment. It’s just a matter of deciding that you want the change, and then allowing yourself to pursue it. The only thing that is getting in our way is ourselves and the mindset we have toward things.

If you happen to run across something you can’t change (know the difference between can’t and won’t) then you have to change your mindset about it.

I know we hate change. Why fix something that isn’t broken? (My husband says this to me at least once a week.)

However, unless you feel completely beautiful, wonderful and unconditionally happy, something should probably change. Trust me, it’s for the better.

Change is good. Message me if you need some help on figuring out how to fix it.

Own It

You know what you like and what you don’t like. Own it. It’s simple, really (in concept). If you enjoy wearing your incredibly authentic hand stitched renaissance fair costume on a day to day basis, then by golly that is what you should do!

What you wear is your business and no one else’s. Don’t be ashamed. Practice makes perfect, and my favorite self motivation thought is a quote made famous by Nike, “Just Do It.” So go rock that bright red lipstick and those red boots.

Your interests shouldn’t change based on who you’re around and what they like. Stand your ground with what you enjoy. If others don’t like it, who cares? You don’t have to like everything they do either. It’s a fair trade. You don’t need the approval of anyone else. You only need your own approval.

Our uniqueness is what makes us important to the world. If you’re the same as everyone else, the special lessens. Share who you are and what you love! There are people out there who need to know how great it is and there are others who also believe it’s great!

Kindness

This is one of those things that is underrated. People don’t understand just how much that simply being kind does for your self esteem and confidence. When you help people and make them happy, you know with all of your soul that you are a good person. When you know without a doubt that you are a good person, you feel better about yourself.

You don’t have to volunteer at a soup kitchen, or hand out a ton of books and donations (although that would be an amazing thing for you to do and it could change a life or two). Just smile at people. Say “good morning” or “how are you“. Hold a door open for someone. Little things go a long way. Spoken by one of my favorite inspirational philanthropists, “How do we change the world? One small random act of kindness at a time.” Morgan Freeman.

 Being kind isn’t about the other person at all (even though it is guaranteed to make a few people’s days). It is about how you feel about yourself. If you are unconditionally kind to others, it raises your self esteem and your happiness. Win-Win. Always choose to lead with love and kindness in everything that you do.

Forgive

You have to forgive both others that have wronged you as well as yourself for anything that you have held onto that is in the past. Forgiveness is easier said than done. Trust me, I am very aware of the difficulty in this one. However, forgiving others is not for the benefit of them. You don’t even have to tell them you forgive them. Just do it, please.

You can’t have high self esteem if you are still carrying around the weight of grudges against other people and yourself. Grudges that both weigh you down and hold you back in life. They add stress to your body which in turn, shortens your life. So holding a grudge is actually killing you. Don’t give it that power.

You also have to let go of anything you are holding against yourself. Everything that has ever happened did so to teach you a lesson. Find the lesson in it, grasp it and be thankful for the opportunity to learn and then release it into the universe to dissipate. We are all doing the best that we can with what we have available to us at any given time. Forgive yourself and make an intention to make now and the future better.

This will also raise your happiness and lower your stress, leading you down a goal accomplishing path that leads to overall wellness. Forgiveness = inner peace. Let the anger and resentment be their problem. Let it go (I could have thrown a Frozen video in right here but I hope your as exhausted with all of that as I am).

Give Yourself Credit

You deserve it, and you can’t count on anyone else to do it for you. When someone compliments you, accept it. Agree with them. Try “I know right?!” or “Thanks! You have awesome shoes!” Smile and compliment them back. Modesty’s for the horses. It is highly overrated and if you want to be modest it should never encroach on your words and thoughts.

Too often we sit around in resentment because no one notices us and the great things that we accomplish on a day to day basis. We think no one appreciates us and that we’re taken for granted. We think we aren’t pretty, smart or special at all because no one tells us we are.

When the truth of the matter is that everyone is sitting around being modest, hoping someone else will point out the awesome in them. Don’t sit around and wait for someone to tell the world you’re awesome. Tell us yourself and while your at it, tell us about everyone else’s brilliance and hard work as well!

Repeat after me, “I am awesome!” “I am beautiful!” “I is kind, I is smart, I is important.” Aibileen knew what she was talking about. I promise.

Fake It ‘Till You Make It

A study showed that just 2 minutes of power posing boosts confidence, and in turn self esteem, by about 20%!

Some examples of power posing are:

• Superman pose: fists on hips. Chin up with feet shoulder width apart.
• Fingers interlaced behind head, leaned back while sitting.
• Hands up over head in a “winners” stance.

Avoid:

• Slouching
• Crossed arms
• Looking at ground

I like to relate it to a closed position or an open position. Open yourself up to the world and other people. Allow the love, connection and energy to flow to you and from you to them. If you close yourself off, i.e. crossed arms, your cutting off that natural flow of energy and making yourself unapproachable.

Also try:

• Smiling at all times
• Keeping your eyebrows at ease
• Sitting or standing up straight and tall
• Making eye contact

Eventually, these things will become second nature. They will naturally raise your self esteem every time you do them.

Take Control

Taking control of your thoughts and actions can make a huge difference in how high your self esteem is. You can’t control what happens around you. You can’t control how these happenings make you feel (to an extent). However, You can control how you react to it.

People often get stuck in the victim’s mindset. They get caught up in the “poor me” and forget to make the best of things, instead wallowing in the self pity. We can, instead, change our thoughts and words to empower ourselves with opportunity and possibilities. 

Instead of saying, “I don’t have any money.” Try, “I’m going to make me some money!” “I’m going to figure out how to improve my money flow.” Or simply “I like money.”

Change the words you speak and think and you will then change how you speak and think and thus, how you interact with your world and how your world interacts with you. Are you negative? Stop. Just stop. Everything is not that bad.

You can start small by adding a positive at the end of a negative. “I don’t have any money, but I’m going to turn that around!” “I don’t have any money but that could change!” (You is kind, you is smart, you is important)

Also, stop making excuses. For example, “Well, I have to go because insert excuse here.” Instead, “I have to go! It was good to see you!” This one took me a while too but now that I’ve figured it out, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. You don’t have to explain yourself.

Start Small

You don’t have to change everything all at once. Start with one thing at a time. Just keep all of these points in mind and slowly begin implementing them into your daily life. It’s the same concept as starting anything new.

You can’t just jump into expert level. You have to start small and build up.

Just change one or two things at a time and watch yourself grow and soar. Stick with it! Don’t give up and I promise you will begin to see changes! Also, remember, you don’t need anyone’s approval but your own. Make yourself happy, all else will follow.

If you could use some help, message me.

Namaste, S.S.Blake

Other Articles You May Enjoy:

• Self Love is the key to success
• The love letter you should be writing routinely
• 100 ways to practice self love
• Sacred self care

Author

S.S.Blake; Spiritual Life Coach, Yoga + Meditation Teacher and Founder of Earth and Water

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