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Happiness

How to Stop Judging Yourself & be at Peace

How to Stop Judging Yourself & be at Peace

How Judging Works

A deer isn’t judging it’s own life based on the life of the deer beside it any more than it judges itself based on the rabbit that crosses it’s path.

We are our own worst enemies. It’s been said hundreds of times and with good reason. We sabotage ourselves. Judging ourselves based on other’s opinions.

Judging ourselves based on how others are doing. Making judgments upon ourselves based on illusions that others wish for us to perceive.

We’re constantly judging ourselves, each other and our worlds based on what we’ve been taught or what we believe to be truth. A false truth, most of the time.

We remember other’s hurtful opinions that have been unkindly thrust upon us at fragile ages.

People judging us unfairly because of insecurities or fears they posses about themselves. Insecurities and fears that were unkindly thrust upon them at a fragile age as well.

They pass these unkind judgments on to others because that’s how they’ve been taught.

People tell us negative things about our personality or our physical appearances because they have been told negative things about themselves.

Not everyone does this in an effort to harm you, or bring you down to their level of course. Some do it in an effort to protect you.

They think that by notifying you of your “flaws” so that you may fix them will spare you some embarrassment or hurt later on.

It’s an unfortunate interconnected circle that passes from one person to the next. Like a contagion, infecting another and then another with this blind judgement.

The problem with judging ourselves based on other’s judgments of us is that they are untrue judgments. The only person who should be judging you is you.

For you are the only one who truly knows your whole story. Even then though, we unfairly judge ourselves.

Striving for perfection, a state that doesn’t exist, instead of accepting the fact that we are each a unique human and loving the flaws that make us so.

It’s easy to judge others. Placing blame on them for things that may or may not be in their control.

Instead of judging others, no matter the circumstances, we should be looking into ourselves and finding what it is we dislike about ourselves that leads us to judge others.

If you are completely at peace with who you are and love yourself completely, you don’t judge others at all. When you love yourself and are at peace, other’s imperfections don’t matter because they don’t effect you.

The Journey

Have you ever thought about how long of a journey a rain drop takes as it falls to get to the ground? How far the wind blows the leaf or the current of the river carries the stick?

Have you ever thought about how far light travels from the sun to the Earth?

Each particle falling on a tree, a person or a blade of grass. Such a long journey it took to reach it’s destination.

No matter the nature of the journey, everything has a path it has to take before it can reach the place where it belongs.

And since one rain drop can not occupy the same space as another rain drop, just as one stick or one leaf or even one particle of light can not occupy the same space as another, no two people can take the same path.

Each one is not only unique in itself but in it’s journey. 

Every obstacle everyone and everything comes across is completely unique. Even if a different rain drop takes the same path and lands in the same place as another, the time and the circumstances are different.

Such is the same with us. As in all of nature, no two paths are the same. No two people are the same. Each one is unique.

Even more so considering we all react uniquely to each circumstance we come across.

When we fully understand this, we can stop judging our own selves, lives and success based on other’s. Everyone’s journey and circumstances are different which means comparison at any level would be unfair.

Trust that you are exactly where you are suppose to be in your unique journey and your destination will be appropriate for you. Everything is and will be in alignment just as it is suppose to be.

It doesn’t matter that you have been doing the same thing as another person for the same amount of time. Each of you have different circumstances, mindset and perceptions of reality which is going to put the two of you in different places at all times.

Our natural reaction is to ask ourselves what we lack when we see other’s success where ours is not. We want to blame someone else or beat ourselves up.

We start judging everyone involved, ourselves included.

This is not only the incorrect way of reacting, but it is also hugely unproductive. It leaves us with no control over our circumstances which leaves us lost and powerless.

We are not powerless. We have every bit of power over our lives and the reality we choose to accept. Therefore, we have to look at it in a way that keeps us empowered and in control.

Ask Empowering Questions

Instead of playing the blame game or wallowing in self pity when something doesn’t happen or be the way you feel it should, step back and look at it from a different point of view.

One that is both grander and within yourself.

Instead of

  • “Why me?”
  • “Why them?”
  • “What’s wrong with me?” .

or any of those other similar, useless questions that we tend to ask ourselves in unpleasant situations, ask yourself empowering questions

  • What can I do to make this better? 
  • What can I do to feel better about this?
  • Can I see this from another’s perception?
  • How can I find my peace with this?
  • What steps can I take here on out?
  • What can I do differently to get a better outcome next time?

You can apply this to all areas of your life.

Remember: The goal is to love yourself. Inside and out.

When you love yourself, circumstances don’t matter. Instead of being sad, upset, angry or jealous, you can be happy for others. Being happy for others benefits everyone, yourself included.

When there are no negative vibrations pushing us apart, we can learn, grow and create together.

If you are at peace within yourself, other’s worlds, success or otherwise, doesn’t effect you negatively.

When you find yourself judging yourself or others, find an empowering question to help you get passed it.

  • Why does the fact that they XYZ matter to me?
  • What do I need to be XYZ to be happy now?
  • Why does XYZ matter so much that I allow it to hold me back?
  • Why does XYZ effect me so much that I allow it to bring me down?

Also pay very close attention to your feelings.

  • Why am I angry right now and why does it matter SO much?
  • Why am I sad right now and is it really that important?
  • How can I fix my peace?
  • How can I fix my problem? That problem? Dig.
  • Why am I being hard on myself about XYZ and what is the underlying cause of that judgement?

Find the Story

There’s a story behind everything. You judge yourself for XYZ because in the past XYZ happened.

You judge others because in the past someone taught you XYZ.

When you know the story behind the judgement you’re making, it helps you to see that the truth you see in front of you is actually a false perception from the past.

We judge the extra weight we carry around because our mom, a kid in school, a magazine or the tv told us it wasn’t attractive.

The truth is, it totally and completely 100 percent depends on who you ask and when you ask them.

Let me give you an example. I have a snaggle tooth. Always have. I had braces when I was too little which was a failed attempt and then the insurance wouldn’t pay for them again.

So I’ve lived with it.

And when I was growing up I didn’t pay much attention to it but my family (With very good intentions) kept telling me about it and worrying over it and wishing aloud that it could be fixed.

Their constant concerns and furrowed brows wore at me and my self esteem. I was already a chubby, awkward kid and now I had this to worry about to.

Throughout my whole middle and high school career I wouldn’t smile. I wouldn’t laugh because I was embarrassed about my tooth.

Not until after I was married did I learn to be ok with it. In Japan, people pay lots of money to get crooked teeth because they feel it’s attractive. They say it gives them a childlike appearance which they adore.

Sure, I could get it fixed now, but it’s very hard to convince someone who has already had braces to do it again. I’ve learned to love myself exactly as I am. I am beautiful, flaws and all.

I’ve learned that it’s all about perception. I greet everyone with a warm, bright smile now because my tooth doesn’t define me.

If someone looks down upon it, it is because of insecurities they face themselves and that makes me sad for them.

My personal judgement of my tooth came from everyone else’s judging it. It didn’t effect me until other’s started making comments about it.

I allowed their problem’s with it to effect how I felt about it. I allowed them to have power over me in this way.

It was the same with my weight issues and with my awkwardness. I never felt any of it was a problem until other people started telling me it was.

When I started thinking my weight was a problem was when my mom started only allowing me to eat salads. My personality wasn’t a problem until girls in the 3rd grade started making fun of me.

When you know where your insecurities and judgments stem from, you can easily clear and transmute them through all space, time and realities.

When you know their stories, you know why they make you feel the way they do and why it has nothing to do with you now.

Tracing their origin, you can explain them away into nothingness and make them cease to matter.

By the way, extra weight was coveted in olden times in Europe and possibly other cultures. It meant you were healthy, wealthy and of good status. There is a positive to every negative. It’s all about perception.

Insights

Judging ourselves and others comes from the unrealistic pursuance of perfection. We have to acknowledge that this is unachievable because we are human and that that’s ok.

We are all unique with our own abilities, characteristics, perceptions and imaginations and these unique qualities make us immeasurably magnificent and beautiful.

When we can learn how to let go of the unfair attachments we have to the unattainable and love ourselves with the full acceptance that we so crave from others, we can find happiness, inner peace and all that we search for in life.

Loving ourselves means loving all of mankind and the world we live in. When we achieve this, we can learn, grow and create a better world for all of us to live in together.

Best Vibes Always,

S.S.Blake

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Savannah Shea Blake Profile picture

S.S.Blake; Spiritual Life Coach, Yoga + Meditation Teacher and Founder of Earth and Water

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