How to Ease the Grief Process by Normalizing Death in Our Society & Culture ⋆ Earth and Water

The very word ‘death’ can evoke a range of emotions – fear, sadness, even a touch of morbid curiosity. Yet, in our fast-paced, youth-obsessed society, death has become a taboo subject, an unwelcome guest we usher away and pretend doesn’t exist. This societal dance of avoidance keeps us comfortable most days, however, it has a significant downside: it makes the inevitable event of death all the more difficult to endure and process when it finally arrives at our doorstep, or the doorstep of someone we love.

Next to none of us know how to truly help someone experiencing the loss of a loved one. We become awkward, unsure of what to do or say. Falling into the cliche’s we’ve heard from others who mean well but also don’t know what to do or say. Giving them a “Let me know if you need anything” which gives more work to the grieving person or “They’re in a better place” which may not align with the beliefs of the one in pain, causing them discomfort.

When we experience a loss ourselves of a loved one, our systems are often so overwhelmed with shock that we lose ourselves entirely. Becoming inconsolable or volatile, often for years afterwards. Unable to cope with the change because we’ve never took the time to consider life on the other side of such an event.

Our culture often portrays death as a medical failure, something to be conquered or avoided at all costs rather than a natural cycle and part of life. Anti-aging creams and life-extension technologies are testaments to this desire to cheat the inevitable. But this denial creates a shroud of secrecy and fear around death, robbing it of its natural solemnity and making it all the more shocking when it occurs.

Our reluctance to discuss death with loved ones, especially those facing terminal illness, leaves them feeling isolated and alone in their fear and uncertainty. We distance ourselves from the dying, making it harder to offer comfort and support during a critical time or find the connection and acceptance that will help us to the other side of this event gracefully.

This avoidance impacts the dying but also affects those left behind, making it harder on everyone involved. Grief, a natural and healthy response to loss, gets pushed aside, bottled up, and left to fester in the shadows. The lack of open conversations about death leaves people feeling unprepared and overwhelmed when faced with the loss of a loved one.

So, how can we break this cycle of silence?

Start the Conversation Early: Talking about death doesn’t have to be morbid. Have open, age-appropriate conversations with children about the natural cycles of life and death.
Engage in Open Communication: Talk to loved ones about their wishes for end-of-life care. This can alleviate anxiety and ensure their wishes are respected.
Challenge the Stigma: Share your own thoughts and feelings about death openly. This can help normalize the conversation and create a safe space for others to do the same.
Remember Death is a Part of Life: By acknowledging death’s inevitability, we can begin to appreciate life more fully and focus on creating meaningful connections with those around us.

Talking about death doesn’t rob it of its power. The scale of which will be felt equally to the amount of love that was present in the relationship. But rather, open discussion helps us face it with greater courage and compassion. By fostering open conversations and dismantling the societal taboo surrounding death, we can create a space for acceptance, fostering deeper connections and making the inevitable process a little less daunting for everyone involved.

Beginning –

Duncan Trussell has a podcast where he brought on his mother as a guest 2 weeks before she died (also made into a Midnight Gospel episode). They knew she was dying and spoke on the acceptance of death in this episode, made even more powerful by the fact that she did pass so quickly after it’s recording.

Alan Watts spoke about how you can be on your death bed and your well meaning friends and family will come into the room insisting that you’ll be better soon which isn’t helpful. A well versed preacher however can come in and make you feel good about dying.

Our society and culture spends a lot of time avoiding the fact of death which makes it harder on each and every one of us when we are inevitably forced to face it. It’s something that we all have to interact with sooner or later and next to none of us are prepared for it or know what to do and how to handle it because it’s such an avoided subject.

Toxic positivity is a problem here. We want to cheer people up and we’ll use all sorts of words to try and do so but it often ends up doing more harm than good. Some things in life are dark and not at all cheery. Trying to pretend they are isn’t helpful but just because they are on the darker side of things doesn’t mean that we have to avoid them. They’re uncomfortable, but they are normal.

Toxic spirituality is a thing, where people put their own ideologies on others in an effort to calm the pain, lend some advice or provide comfort. Unfortunately, this well meaning tactic can cause the person who’s already experiencing pain to now feel uncomfortable if their own beliefs don’t align with the ones being called upon and shared.

These methods silence the person who is struggling. Not intentionally, but the discomfort they feel leads them to silence rather than the comfort of being allowed the space and freedom to process the way they need to process in order to find acceptance and move forward. When provided with the space and freedom needed for these emotions, our person in question may be able to find within themselves the words or actions needed to connect with their loved ones in a safe and meaningful way that helps everyone survive this intense moment in a constructive way.

Being able to ‘bear witness’ to their pain and suffering allows them the opportunity and ability to have what we call a ‘good death’. Where they’re able to speak their truth, be heard and focus on what’s truly important.

We accomplish these desired results by saying and doing less which is counter intuitive. We feel, think and want to do something to lessen the pain and suffering of our fellow humans but where death and severe sickness or injury are of subject, there is nothing we can do or say to make anything better. The best that we can do is to simply be present and allow those suffering to lead the show in what they need.

Anticipatory grief is when something like a severe chronic illness is dragged out for years. You know it will eventually end in death and pain but it can feel like it takes forever to actually occur. Sometimes it’s spoken about like losing pieces or the loss before the loss. This is often met with relief when the loved one does die and guilt is felt around that feeling of relief. This is natural though because it’s been prepared for for so long and they’ve watched their loved ones in pain, not themselves or slowly deteriorating.

Don’t hold guilt around the form your grief takes. It can come with a myriad of emotions and how yours forms may sometimes surprise you. Settle into it and try and find acceptance for how you feel.

The western culture is mostly isolated from the fact of death. In the western culture, when asked ‘what is the opposite of death’ you’ll find people answer ‘life’. But in the eastern cultures, when presented with the same questions, they will answer ‘birth’, because they understand more the cycles of life.

10:26 –

Simply 100 years ago, death mostly occurred in the home. Nowadays, death mostly occurs in the hospital setting as a cleaned up version of what our ancestors were more or less used to. We’re not used to seeing it as much these days which can add to the shock factor.

National healthcare decisions day is April 16th, the day after taxes are due. Which is funny because it’s an ode to Benjamin Franklin as he said ‘nothing is certain but death and taxes.’

You really want to situate all of your wishes as well as who you would like to be in charge if you’re incapable of making decisions for yourself. This will save your family and loved ones a lot of heartbreak and distress in a situation that is most likely already causing enough of that for them without the added tension of having to figure out what to do. No one wants to do this because it involves facing one’s own mortality but it is a wonderful thing to have done already for those you love.

The stress of facing death can cause all of our worst selves to come out. Many families fall apart in turmoil in these moments due to disagreements and fighting about what should be done. Having all of your wishes put together before hand can help minimize the chances of your death tearing your family apart forever.

16:34 –

We’re so good at sticking our heads in the sand that even when we have years worth of advanced warnings we can still be completely surprised when the death does occur.

Caregiving is a whole topic of conversation. It takes so much from a single person to be the primary caregiver of someone that the caregiver themself usually ends up just as sick as the one they’re caring for. Statistics have been shown that caregiving wears people down to take years off of their life.

Being presented with the dramatics of death gives us the opportunity to put things into perspective and focus on what’s truly important in life. We’re only guaranteed today and at any single instant everything can be threatened or taken away so it’s so so so important to hold every moment as precious. You don’t want to have regrets later. Enjoy and appreciate every single moment you’re given because we are all temporary.

To support someone in pain and suffering:

Just be present
Listen more than you speak
Look for ways to care for them (food, water, rest)

You want to create space for the person in pain. They are feeling very crunched with stress, tension and emotions. Often times, things are moving very fast for them and they feel swept away in a whirlwind of chaos and uncontrol. The best thing you can do for them is to help create space around their existence. Ease the crunch not by speaking but by actionable helping and active listening. Say as little as possible. Offer specific help in the form of space, food, rest and upkeeping tasks.

“Show up and shut up.”

Nothing you say is going to make the situation better but there’s plenty you can say that can make the situation worse.

“The cry of a soul can only be understood by a soul that has already cried.” Those who have felt great pain and loss often times have a greater ability to sit with those who are currently experiencing great pain and loss because they know what it’s like to be told these harmful things that are so common and meant to be helpful but are actually very insensitive.

They remember when they were going through such a thing and what they needed and in turn can offer those things, which are usually basic human survival needs. Food, water, laundry or someone to listen to and validate their thoughts and feelings. Most of us are well meaning, but we’re not always good at executing our good intentions.

Be specific. Offer them three choices on how you can help. Simply saying “how can I help?” or “Let me know if you need anything” puts the responsibility on the person who is suffering. They have enough to think about and do. Handle your help for them by making it simple, easy and automatic.

We’re all aware of how stressful it is to ask for help or, better yet, how hard it can be to even figure out what it is that we need. Don’t put that on someone who’s already overwhelmed by life changing factors. You can’t really ease the pain, all you can really do is give it space to run it’s course. Let them guide the interactions and meet them where they are.

Moving back to a previous point, those who experience the death of their loved ones by choice in the home and are involved in the process afterwards of preparing the body and slowly take time to move forward report having an easier time with the grieving process. For sure, being involved isn’t going to be for everyone. Do know though that you have choices and don’t have to rush into anything. You can take as much time as you need with the deceased loved one before you call the coroner.

The hospital does make things more rigid and uncomfortable just by nature. White coat syndrome is a thing and effects many of us regardless of whether we’re the patient or not. Many people would rather be at home in the comfort of their own familiar space which can also ease the transition.

32:45 –

Again, all of this puts things in perspective. The things occurring in your day to day life that once would have thrown you over the edge in anger seem less important. You start to notice the pettiness of so many things and how they don’t actually matter yet most people absorb themselves with.

You realize: “Wow, we only have X amount of time on this planet, even under the best of circumstances. Is being angry about xyz really how you want to spend that limited amount of time?” Think about being on your death bed from time to time and what you may regret. It’s probably not something like “Man, I wish I’d scrolled on Facebook more”.

Definitely not trying to shame people here, just trying to help put things into perspective. Know what your priorities are and place your time there while you have it so that when you are on your death bed, because we’ll all get there one day, your attitude is not one of regret but of peace. You want to have the attitude of “I lived well” when you arrive to greet the grim reaper, not an “I wish I woulda….”

Never put things off “until” anything. Now is as good a time as any to celebrate life.

Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman

Think about what people may say about you after you’re gone and how you may want to begin constructing that intentionally with your words and actions today. If you died tomorrow, would you be satisfied with who you’ve been, what you’ve done and the relationships you’ve cultivated?

What sets us apart from the animal kingdom is our ability to feel such a large range of emotions at such a depth that some of them feel as though they may truly rip us apart from the inside. What perpetuates those really big, hard feelings though is our fighting them, which is natural. We all fight them because we don’t want them. This only makes them last longer, though.

If you can allow yourself to feel all of the big emotions to their full depth and rawness, they’ll dissipate quicker. If you allow yourself the space and duration needed for these feelings to exist, they will run their course and process out eventually. It may take a while, sometimes years. The level of severity and power in the thing that the emotions are tied to will influence heavily the amount of time needed for them to process but they will get better. It will ease with time if you honor their existence and how they are the remnants of love for the lost one (or love of yourself if the pain is coming from something that was done to you in a trauma).

We often times today don’t even know what we’re feeling. Our society and culture has spent so much time convincing us to hide from our own emotions that we don’t even know how to label them when they’re present but we sure do let them drive things. We’ll lash out and cause harm to everyone around us not even realizing that it’s all out of fear or sadness. Step one is acknowledging that we have feelings and learning how to identify them.

Learning how to get in touch with our own emotions aids us in our ability to better recognize them and help with the processing in others when they’re having a hard time. When we recognize that someone is sad or angry, we can then guide them through what they need a little more intuitively.

44:44 –

Our emotions run everything in our lives from our inner thoughts, to our habits and everything external be it our relationships or quality of life. Be that as important as they are, very few people have emotional regulation skills. Most of us are just letting our emotions run ramped, unchecked and wild. Most of us are on autopilot.

I always use the analogy of a puppy when referring to emotional regulation skills. We all start out as a puppy that has no regulation and needs training. If left untrained, it may grow up using the bathroom all over the house and biting people that are not a threat. We’re the same way, often lashing out at those around us about things that aren’t their fault or even have nothing to do with them whatsoever.

Awareness is all of the work in all of the things.

For Small Creatures Such as We: Rituals for Finding Meaning in Our Unlikely World by Sasha Sagan

About Our Guest:

Rev. Christine Vaughan Davies runs the hospital chaplaincy department at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital. She is an ordained Presbyterian Minister, a Certified Educator with the Association of Clinical Pastoral Education, a Seminary Professor and a trained Spiritual Director. She earned her Master of Divinity degree from Princeton Theological Seminary and a Master of Social Work degree from Rutgers University. She lives with her family on a small farm in New Jersey and spends her time chasing chickens and chauffeuring her school-aged children to all their activities.

www.christinevdavies.com