In our fast-paced, achievement-driven world, the glorification of “hustle” has become ubiquitous. We wear our busyness like a badge of honor, sacrificing sleep, leisure, and even relationships in the pursuit of productivity. But beneath this seemingly harmless ambition lies a hidden danger: the belief that our self-worth is defined solely by our achievements.
This insidious belief, often perpetuated by cultural norms and familial expectations, can lead us down a perilous path – one that ultimately results in working ourselves to death, both literally and figuratively.
The equation “success equals self-worth” is deeply ingrained in many cultures. We are lauded for our accomplishments, our degrees, our promotions, and the size of our bank accounts. Social media further amplifies this narrative, showcasing only the highlight reels of success, creating a distorted reality where constant striving becomes the norm.
Families, too, can unwittingly contribute to this pressure, expecting their children to follow certain career paths or achieve predetermined milestones, inadvertently linking self-worth to external validation.
But this relentless pursuit of achievement comes at a steep cost. The chronic stress of constantly pushing ourselves past our limits manifests in a myriad of psychosomatic illnesses. From headaches and insomnia to anxiety and depression, our bodies rebel against the unsustainable pace we set for them. In extreme cases, this stress can even lead to more serious health problems, including heart disease and stroke.
The irony is that this relentless pursuit of self-worth through achievement often backfires. The more we tie our identity to our accomplishments, the more vulnerable we become to setbacks and failures. A bad performance review, a lost job, or even a missed deadline can trigger feelings of worthlessness and despair, exacerbating the very stress we’re trying to escape.
So, how do we break free from this self-destructive cycle? The first step is to challenge the underlying belief that our self-worth is contingent on our achievements. We are worthy simply by virtue of being human, not because of the titles we hold or the things we possess. Cultivating self-compassion and practicing mindfulness can help us decouple our self-worth from external validation, which is always a losing battle.
Secondly, we need to re-evaluate our relationship with work. Work is an important part of life, but it should not define us entirely. Setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing rest and relaxation, and pursuing activities that bring us joy are crucial for maintaining a healthy balance. This may require challenging societal expectations and even disappointing some people, but ultimately, prioritizing our well-being is not selfish, it’s essential.
Finally, we need to foster a culture that values well-being over achievement. This means celebrating different forms of success, including personal growth, community involvement, and simply living a fulfilling life. It also means advocating for policies that promote work-life balance and prioritize mental health.
Our current trajectory of burning ourselves out in the pursuit of an unattainable definition of success is unsustainable, both for individuals and for society as a whole. By dismantling the toxic belief that our self-worth is defined by our achievements, we can reclaim our control, prioritize our well-being, and build a future where success is measured not by the size of our bank accounts, but by the quality of our lives and the depth of our connections. Remember, the light of achievement is important, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of burning ourselves out entirely. Let’s nurture the flame of self-worth from within, where it truly belongs.
Beginning –
Business owners, especially online, are really pressured to find a singular niche and stick with it. This can be a lot of pressure because our businesses are an extension of who we are and people aren’t easily boxable. For your business to be successful you have to be happy to work on it every single day for hours at a time and it’s hard trying to find a single thing you’re happy to do that much, that often.
It’s a delicate dance because in order to effectively market your business, you have to have clarity. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing or offering, neither is your audience and potential clientele / costumers.
Eastern values versus Western values. Eastern values harmony and balance and not so much authenticity or individuality the way Western culture does. Eastern culture is more focused on the whole rather than the individual so everyone’s a lot more keen to pitch in and fill in the spaces of where they’re needed. In the western world, we’re so focused on the individual that we’ve lost sight of the whole and as a result we all suffer for it.
The most important thing is to be harmony with yourself. If you are in harmony with yourself, you can spread that peace, ease and joy with others but if you are in disharmony, you spread that energy to others as well. Thus, a good middle balance of focus on the self and the whole is probably best.
7:00 –
Work life balance means figuring out how you best function so that you can actively honor that natural energy flow and give your business what it needs to thrive. Entrepreneurs are notorious for working themselves into the ground but since your business is a representation of yourself, if you’re burning yourself out, that’s the energy will show through.
It’s okay to break away from the schedule that the mainstream culture would have you believe you’re “supposed” to be on. If you work best at night after dedicating your morning and day to yourself and your family, it’s okay to honor that.
Finding clarity means taking a look at your values and formulating your business around those. Most often we think our goals are centered around material things (money, houses, cars, etc) but when we take the time to look deeper we find that they’re more abstract. What we really want is to be able to care for and spend time with our loved ones and too many of us put that on the backburner while we work on our business.
This becomes a terrible cycle of “waiting until” certain goals are met before you allow yourself the leisure of spending with loved ones when really we can do that first. We don’t have to meet the goals in order to care for, love and spend time with them and when we are meeting those true priorities first, we have more love and energy to put into the work. It’s counter intuitive but it is the best way to structure things.
When we get hyper focused on the wrong goals, we make poor decisions in an effort to meet those goals. This can cause deterioration in our health, relationships or even put ourselves in danger.
15:55 –
Psychosomatic illnesses are most often caused by stress. To learn how to manage her own stress, our guest put more stress on herself by going back to school to get a second master’s degree in counseling which of course didn’t help her problems. The patterns that were causing her stress were still at play.
Knowing and implementing are two very different things. If you put into practice that which you’re learning, you unlock all sorts of new knowledge on the subject that you can’t get from a book or any other learning material.
Most often, our beliefs and our self worth are what is causing our stress. The beliefs that have been put on us by others about what we should or shouldn’t be doing and how those things effect our worthiness. We work ourselves to death to meet achievements in order to feel as though we’re “good enough”.
We have to find other, easier ways to feel like we’re enough and stop quantifying it based on our productivity and achievements. We have to individually define what is enough for us, outside and independent of how others feel about it.
The beliefs of having to achieve certain goals in order to be enough is something that’s passed down to us from our caregivers who also had that belief passed onto them from their own. This perpetuation becomes part of our culture where most everyone around us believes it to be true. So then we’re all stuck with these same wounds and if we decide to break out of those perpetuated patterns other’s make it harder by questioning our decisions and attempting to reign us back in.
26:20 –
All the money and “success” in the world isn’t worth anything if it costs you your health, your relationships or you have no available time to enjoy it.
Women are generally seen as the nurturers and fall into the demanding role of caregiver often at the cost of their own needs in order to meet this role. We have to remember that the caregiver is just as important the one(s) being cared for and making sure that they also are cared for.
Choosing to change your patterns is hard. Staying in your patterns is hard. Everything is hard. Choose your hard. Life is a constant trade off of hard.
The patterns of discord are always the same. You do eventually find the end of the list of things people are upset with you about when you begin choosing yourself. It may seem like new conflict but it’s the same conflict with a new mask on is all. This is great because you’re not constantly having to figure out how to navigate a new problem. It’s generally the same underlying problem over and over again, framed differently.
32:25 –
Sometimes you have setbacks. You’ll be doing really well holding your boundaries and priorities and then something will happen that sets you back for a bit. It’s important to hold compassion for yourself in these moments because setbacks are normal. Maintain awareness of the pattern and do your best to get yourself back on track.
We don’t understand what the problem is until we dissect and analyze it. That’s what the inner work is that people are always talking about. Being aware of your own patterns helps you to navigate them when they pop back up because they will always pop back up. They will, though, become easier and quicker to navigate and manage as you practice.
People will really confuse you about yourself and your needs and decisions. We’re wired for external validation and when people begin putting their thoughts and opinions on you, and they will, it makes you question yourself. We have to learn how to flip the external validation needs into internal validation.
Journaling and other forms of note taking helps you to map out what you’re doing and thinking so that when you do get confused you can come back and look at the organized thoughts about it and make sense of it.
External validation sets us back from the progress we could be making. You’re better off not even sharing your thoughts and plans with others because so many of them will try and talk you out of it based on their own programming and beliefs. Validate yourself in your goals.
The spiral of progress uncovers layers. So even though it may be the same issue popping up yet again, it’s going to help you dig it deeper out of your subconscious so it can impact you less and less as time goes on. You’re still moving forward.
It’s unrealistic to expect the journey to be linear.
44:05 –
Until the internet, the only information and knowledge we were privy to was that which existed in the minds and books of those in our hometown. Books aren’t always accurate and people’s knowledge is often confused and bias. We’re finding new language to make these things more easily understood and the internet has made them more accessible.
What works for you now may not work for you later so it’s important to allow the flexibility and malleability of life to transform if it needs to. Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking that changing things up a little means you’re being inconsistent. The very nature of life is constant change. Without the allowance of adaptability and pivoting, we become stagnant in our progress making.
Many of us want to beat ourselves up for what we see as inconsistency because we didn’t meet our goals for the day when our only crime is being only one person. We can set intentions and hopes for the day but we can’t always ensure that the day unfolds to allow for those things. Sometimes our attention and energy is needed elsewhere and that’s okay. We simply pick back up the next day.
We have to reparent ourself through things. Think of yourself as a child and then give yourself the advice, comfort and nurturing love that a good parent would. Especially when you’re having big emotions or beating yourself up about being human.
Assurance
By William Stafford
You will never be alone, you hear so deep
a sound when autumn comes. Yellow
pulls across the hills and thrums,
or the silence after lightning before it says
its names – and then the clouds’ wide-mouthed
apologies. You were aimed from birth:
you will never be alone. Rain
will come, a gutter filled, an Amazon,
long aisles – you never heard so deep a sound,
moss on rock, and years. You turn your head –
that’s what the silence meant: you’re not alone.
The whole wide world pours down.
William Stafford, “Assurance” from Ask Me: 100 Essential Poems. Copyright © 1977, 1998, 2014 by William Stafford and the Estate of William Stafford. Reprinted with the permission of The Permissions Company, LLC on behalf of Graywolf Press, Minneapolis, MN, graywolfpress.org
About Our Guest
Ellen Patricia, MA(Counseling), PCC
I am an award-winning coach & counselor who have been leading a social enterprise for over a decade. We are currently serving over 800 beneficiaries, and we have served thousands over the years. In 2020, I was recognized as one of the “Women Super Achievers” in the 7th World Women Leadership Congress. Hence, I intimately understand the challenges faced by high-performing women who want to be a powerful channel for the good of others and also for themselves.
I know what it means to struggle to move forward. There was a time in my journey that I felt alone
and was chronically tired. I have experienced being successful and burnt out. It is years of working
on myself that have enabled me to live the path of easeful success and elevate the quality self-care
in different areas of my life. That’s why I feel called to help other women thrive by uplevelling their
mental game, so they too can experience success without neglecting their self-care.
- https://www.instagram.com/ellenpatricia.world
- https://www.facebook.com/Ellenpss
- https://www.linkedin.com/in/ellen-patricia/
Other Articles You May Enjoy:
- How to Navigate The Stigma of Neurodivergences and Learning Disabilities
- How to Find Energy Patterns that Alcohol is Masking so You Can Find Purpose & Fulfillment
- How Past Life Regression Can Help You Understand, Heal & Create Your Own Reality
- How to Trust Your Intuition & Give Yourself Permission to Grow & Manifest Abundance
- How to Ease the Grief Process by Normalizing Death in Our Society & Culture
Your Host
S.S.Blake; Spiritual Life Coach, Yoga + Meditation Teacher and Founder of Earth and Water
LET’S BE FRIENDS!
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